


Tonight, I'll Stay by Your Side

by Sj_sucks



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Ash Lynx Lives, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gradual Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, NOT ANGSTY IN THE END I PROMISE ITS EMPHASIS ON C O M F O R T, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Recovery, ash also needs a hug, but its not 5 its a 3+1, canon typical discussions of past sex abuse, these are connected one shots that are all ultimately hurt / comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 14:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18368096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sj_sucks/pseuds/Sj_sucks
Summary: Ash never had a chance to know what comfort felt like, all he knew was that he hated waking up alone.(Ok!! so basically a this started out as a bunch of hurt/ comfort themes that are all connected by the idea that Ash hates leaving Eiji once they had been emotionally vulnerable, but now has turned into an overarching story of Ash's healing process and how he gives and receives comfort!)





	Tonight, I'll Stay by Your Side

**Author's Note:**

> There is a small ficlet that I wrote for this that would go in between the second and third stories, I'll link it in the beginning in case you would want to read it then, it's not necessary but it is real cute! https://archiveofourown.org/works/18028193

There would always be parts of Ash’s personality and behavior that would be forever changed because of the life he had endured. He had accepted this, came to terms with the rampant nightmares that would make him wake to a scream being trapped in his throat. Ash had even begun to acknowledge his inability to relax in crowds- or really anyone for that matter. He knew that his life did not allow the luxury of vulnerability. But the one thing that Ash cannot understand is the apparent block he has about leaving the bedroom.

He stood hand on the doorknob unable to move forward or even tighten his grip on the cold metal. He and Eiji had talked for the majority of the night, the words left Ash clinging to him for dear life, seeking the comfort that he knew he would be able to find. They had fallen asleep like that, bodies intertwined, in a way so intimate thinking of it made a blush crawl up Ash’s neck. But that was last night, so why couldn't he leave the room now? Ash had to detangle himself from Eiji’s grasp but was _now_ trapped, standing awkwardly in the threshold, listening to his own heart pound against his ribs. Ash tried to reason with himself, listening to Eiji’s soft breaths come from behind him. _“he won't even notice you're gone, he’s SLEEPING for god's sakes, even if Eiji wanted to see you he wouldn't even notice”_

He was not going to let this minuscule anxiety keep him from getting his work done, Ash was busy, he had a plan and he needed to complete it. So he forced open the door and held his breath as he marched into the living room, but with every step, anxiety built in his chest. _“Screw it.”_ He thought, yanking the charger out of the wall and simultaneously snatching the laptop off of the table, immediately turning and walking back to their bedroom.

Just like he thought, Eiji was safe, his face turned into the pillow, his chest rising and falling with every breath he took. He would continue to be safe whether or not Ash stayed by his side or not. But why couldn't he leave him alone? The realization hit Ash, hard. Last night he and Eiji had been vulnerable to each other, their words sparked a kind of intimacy that was undeniable and overwhelming. Eiji had accepted him for who he was and vowed to be by his side forever. Ash swallowed around the tightness growing in his throat, he had a hard time imagining a forever with someone by his side, he can remember the years before Eiji, even Shorter. It was hard for him to imagine not being alone. He can remember the feeling of being used time and time again, just to be some old man's plaything for the night. No matter how much Ash despised being used for others pleasure, he had grown to hate waking up alone in random hotel rooms, feeling sore and empty, even more.

That intimacy was forced onto him, he never asked to be made vulnerable to them but the silence after he was left laying on the ground was enough to make the guilt and disgust he felt fester deeper into his being. Thinking of how he was forced to feel and comparing it to Eiji was enough to terrify Ash. He never wanted Eiji to feel as abandoned as he once did. Last night he went out on a limb to help him, for once Ash was speechless Eiji put himself in a position to be shot down just to help him feel anchored and protected. So Ash did the best thing he could think of, settling into the small desk and beginning to work, only until Eiji woke up of course. He was aware that this action would most likely go unnoticed, that Eiji would just wake up and not think anything of his presence. He needed to be there when he woke up.

Ash hated almost every facet of his personality that was bred from his trauma, but for this one moment, he could be grateful because it made him sensitive to the possible emotions of the sleeping boy. It was strange for Ash to have such a fierce want to protect someone's integrity and easily-given heart, it was as though part of him that truly _felt_ had been sedated long ago and he was only now beginning to adapt to the numbness. Had Eiji done this to him, or was this just a side effect of losing one of the only people he trusted just a few weeks earlier? Either way, he was grateful for this sudden change, even if it caused him strange bouts of anxiety, he relieved to feel anything.

Ash found it hard to concentrate on the computer as his subconscious kept morphing his thoughts to false scenarios where Eiji woke up to a cold and vacant room and vowed never to let him in again. If he let himself dwell on one thought for too long it was too easy to think of all the ways he could let him down and hurt him. Ash had to push those thoughts away as they came up, he had important work to do. He didn't have time to think of Eiji’s disappointed eyes or the countless times he awoke alone after being defiled. He had to get the funds for his new life, he needed to leave the past in the past and move forward as best as he possibly could. Ash had been planning how to keep Eiji safe and happy, his plan was complete but he needed money, a lot of it. Luckily he knew exactly where to go for that.

By the time Ash was typing the last string of code to his new life light was seeping through the cracked window, illuminating the room with soft sunlight. Stretching his arms behind his head and twisting from side to side Ash felt accomplished with the work that he had accomplished. Not having much time to bask in his success he heard a rustling behind him, without turning around he heard more shifting then a sleep-addled voice that was thicker with an accent call out his name.  
“A-sh?” he turned and met the gaze of a half-sleeping Eiji, and that was all it took for him to melt. His hair was a disaster and he was rubbing at his eyes to try and wake up faster, everything reminded Ash of a small child after naptime. He was happy to be in the presence of him, content to hear his name slip off the other’s tongue and see his lazy smile as their eyes met. This was something he could do, he could be here when he awoke, although it wouldn't even come close to everything Eiji does for him on a daily basis, it was something small Ash could give back.

For the first time since he was a child, Ash was able to feel like he could do good by someone, and he fully intended to.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It was getting colder recently, Much to Ash’s dislike - the sudden cold days just reminded him that winter would be on its way soon enough. But there was more than that preoccupying him, the most apparent was that Eiji was _off_ recently. There wasn't anything substantially wrong, more or less something wasn't entirely right, sometimes Ash would catch him staring at the walls or taking too long to flip a page in the book he was reading. Even more alarming he had noticed how he tossed and turned at night- unable to fall asleep, normally Ash would let this go, all of his guys have gotten like this before. But this was Eiji, the person who makes everyone smile even when things seem hopeless. This was _Eiji,_ the extroverted, overly attentive, and painfully happy Eiji. That's why seeing those moments began to concern him, it didn't seem to fit into his personality or so he thought. Ash knew he needed to address this, he was just dreading the answer to his question.

He started the conversation one night when they were both sitting in the bedroom reading different books. Well at least Ash was reading, he noticed that Eiji just sat on his bed staring off to the corner of the room with his one hand gripped tightly around his ankle. After waiting for Eiji to pick up his book and start reading for nearly twenty minutes, he couldn't let it go anymore.

“Hey- um, Eiji?” His voice came out unexpectedly tight so he cleared his throat before continuing, “ Is everything okay? I mean, I can't help but notice you've been more distant lately,” suddenly Ash was filled with anxiety “ - is it anything that I did? Can I help fix it?” He kept his eyes on the book in his lap, his thumb edging over the pages.

_‘This isn't about you this is about Eiji, pull it together.’_

 With a bit of difficulty, he turned and faced the other boy, but all he saw was a now turned away Eiji, with his shoulders shaking. For the first time in his life, Ash truly had no idea what to do, his mind went completely blank, he was crying, curling in on himself, physically trying to cut himself off from Ash. This made the list of worst things that Ash has seen, watching someone he's always seen as impeccably strong and resilient breakdown, it destroyed him. Nothing in his life had prepared him for this moment, watching Eiji’s body as it convulsed and shook with every silent cry he felt more and more hopeless. It wasn't until His sobs became audible that Ash was able to snap out of the trance he had slipped into. His cries came out, loud, it sounded like Eiji was gasping for air. Ash couldn’t listen to this, his chest was feeling painfully tight, he sounded like he was in _pain._

“Eiji, hey it's okay- just, please.” He begged not fully knowing what he wanted the other to do _“Please-”_ his voice cracked cutting him off.

Ash could have thought that his words went unheard but he knew better because the moment his plea left his lips Eiji’s cries grew louder. Ash hated this, he hated how helpless he felt to help him, still, he moved over to offer some physical comfort to the elder boy by placing his hand on the place between his shoulder blades. He feared making anything worse, but since Eiji had done this for him before he felt like it could potentially help with the situation at hand. He hated himself for not knowing how to comfort anyone, he can't blame himself because it isn't like he's had much first-hand experience in this field. The number one thing that Ash hated was being helpless, and that's all he was feeling. All he could think of was to sit behind Eiji and allow him to cry, let him feel anchored by Ash’s soft touch on his back. He would do anything to make sure that Eiji didn't feel alone in this moment, he would scream it from the roof of every high-rise in the city if he had to. He wanted it to be clear that he would never leave him to be all alone, so he waited for the cries to slow which they did after another 10 minutes. Eiji was the first to break the silence.

“Ash I- I’m sorry. You don’t have to- I am okay, I promise.” His voice was raw with every word falling off of his tongue it sounded more and more painful. Ash was no idiot, he knew what ‘okay’ was he even understood being relatively okay, but Eiji was not _okay_ no matter what he would say.

“Eiji will all due respect- you’re definitely not” He had to cut himself off, fast, he needed to not fuck this up. “Wait, sorry. Eiji you know it's alright not to be happy all the time, right? You know you don't have to pretend- not to me, never to me.”

With this Eiji shuddered and rolled over to look him in the eyes, and what Ash saw took his breath away, Eiji looked proud? No, it was something deeper, the absolute love that seemingly flowed through their gaze, something that sparked in Eiji’s soul and flowed into Ash’s. Chills worked their way up the back of his neck, he was still working on becoming more comfortable with the absolute adoration that Eiji poured into him, but something was different by this moment. Feeling emboldened by the look in Eiji’s eyes, he felt it necessary to reach out and grasp his hand.

“I’m here, I will be here whenever you want to talk. Take your time, but know that I will always be here waiting, ready to help you.” Eiji squeezed his hand tightly, for a brief moment it shocked him. Was this truly helping him? Ash hoped that his small action was enough to put Eiji at ease, well to get him to feel able to talk. Maybe if he told him the problem he could fix it, so that Eiji could go back to being the light of the room.

“Ash- I - this isn't because of you, or any of this really..” He trailed off for a moment before picking back up on his train of thought “This happens to me sometimes, I’m sorry” Ash didn't understand, he had never seen Eiji act like this in the year he had known him, he squeezed his hand urging him to continue.

“I used to be a real athlete you know? I was a pole vaulter, but I quit when I got hurt? I think I told you before..” Ash nodded as he continued on. “The truth is that it wasn’t my injury that stopped me from jumping, well at first it was but after it was so much more.” he let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes. “Every day that I jumped it was a way for me to prove myself, I felt like it was the only thing that I ever did well. I would put all my stressors and dissatisfaction into the sport, focused my negativity into trying to reach the next height. I would hope that eventually, I would get so high that I would retrieve my piece of mind, so when I fell and heard my ankle snapped I felt my reach for happiness just, stop. Even after my ankle was all better I couldn’t pick myself up for long enough to even indulge in the idea of reaching peace.”

Thinking of him like this was hard for Ash, he understands depression and the vicious way that it can take all of the spark out of someone. He knows there's nothing he could physically do to help in this situation, there was no catalyst that he could remove. It does nothing to stop him from shifting on the bed to be in a more defensive position. Ash just wanted to protect him.

“I’m sorry this probably sounds stupid to you, doesn't it,” Eiji’s voice sounded so unsure and scared.

“No Eiji, God. It doesn't sound stupid, I feel stupid for not noticing sooner. I want you to be able to talk to me about everything, well as much as you are comfortable with telling me. Eiji, your suffering isn't discounted by my past, if it hurts you its just as much of a problem.” _More of a problem._

With tears pooling in his eyes he realized that Eiji had released Ash’s hands. An apology was already on the tip of his lips, terrified he did something wrong he completely froze. Until he saw him lean forward and wrap his arms around his torso and felt the press of Eiji’s face into his sternum before Ash could process what was happening Eiji spoke up.

“C-can you stay here with me, is this okay? I just, I’m so sorry” with this he broke off into another round of sobs this time they were muffled by Ash’s chest and not the cold blankets. “ It was just so bad back in Japan, y-you can’t even imagine. I didn't want to live anymore, Ash-”

His mind immediately began to buzz, if Eiji died and never came to America he never would have found a reason to fight back, he wouldn't be feeling as much as he does every day with Eiji by his side. Suddenly he felt the overwhelming need to hide him away from the world, so he did the next best thing, Ash pulled him even closer to him. One of his hands was now tangled in his hair and the other was pressing lightly into Eiji’s ribs. Everything about his actions screamed what he wanted to say

**You can't leave me Eiji, please don't.**

 “Oh Ash, no, not anymore, not anymore. I just get scared now, I’m so scared that I will go back to that place and this time I won't have the chance to go to America to save me from myself.” It all made sense, Eiji had mentioned the reason for coming to New York with Ibe being because he got “a little depressed” when he hurt himself jumping. But this was so much more, Eiji was _suicidal,_ he had wanted to stop existing before he had even came to America and experienced all the terrible things that the world had to offer. The only thing that Ash could think to do was apologize yet again.

 “Eiji I’m sorry I never truly noticed, you’ve obviously been struggling lately and I haven't even bothered to ask you how I could help before now” His voice sounded low and on edge as he waited for the response from the other boy who was still clinging to his torso.

“Ash- no stop- listen” with this Eiji forced his head back enough to look back into Ash’s eyes that were now beginning to fill with tears.

“I am better, BECAUSE of you and everyone here. You have done so much to improve the thoughts I have, even though this place is a vortex of chaos you have always made me feel like I matter, no matter what.” with that a small smile played across his face that was hesitantly mirrored by Ash.

“And don't worry! I've done some reading and apparently, this feeling will come in waves of not being okay and then going back to normal. So I'll be back to the usual soon, I’m sorry for making you worry Ash, thank you for your support.” Eiji laid his head back in the middle of his chest before letting out a comfortable sigh.

Then Ash made an unexpected move, lifting Eiji from beside him and shuffling back until his back was pressed against the headboard, carefully placing him back down with his body draped over Ash’s lap.

“Ash, wha-” before finishing his question he was caught off guard by a genuine laugh that came from Ash.

“I moved so that we’d be more comfortable, right now I have all the time in the world, so if you're up for it I'd really like to know more, I'm listening.” And there they stayed until the sun began to seep through the small crack of the curtains and Eiji began to fall asleep, the feeling of Ash’s arms around him acting as an added layer of security.

Once Ash was certain that he had fallen asleep, he slid Eiji carefully off of his lap and onto the bed, Gently covering him with a blanket. The last thing that he wanted was for him to wake up with a stiff neck or back from being cramped in his arms all night. Ash knew that it would be hard for him to sleep tonight, his mind was still swimming with all of the things he learned throughout the night. Every second he was astonished of just how secure Eiji must have felt in his arms to allow him to see his darkest thoughts with no hesitation. Once again Eiji had been the bridge to a new level of familiarity between the two, such a feeling of intimacy that Ash couldn't even deny.

As the sun covered more and more of the room Ash remained by Eiji’s side, occasionally he would grab onto his hand or run his fingers through this knotted hair. At this moment he couldn't even humor the idea of leaving Eiji to wake up to a cold bed, not after how he bared his soul just a few hours earlier. Ash was satisfied to sit next to him, to watch as his chest rose and fell with every deep breath. He would be content to protect EIji for all eternity, he wouldn't care if that meant never sleeping again to protect him from bad dreams, or listening to all of his qualms with the world every moment. It would never matter how small, Ash wanted to be by his side to keep him safe and _happy._

His thoughts got cut short by a small intake of air come from beside and felt his hand get squeezed tight.

“Ash! You’re still here? I um-” Eiji paused obviously trying to arrange his words that he wanted to say but failing and just ending his statement with a simple “ thank you for staying.”

 Ash beamed at him, he was making a difference, something so small had made the morning just a little bit better for Eiji. It wouldn’t matter how many nights he would stay up or how long it would take, but Ash wanted to continue to do good by him.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_11 months and 13 days,_ it had been almost a year since the last time Ash had seen Eiji, and he had been counting. The sporadic phone calls did nothing to the longing to be with him, if it were up to him he would have continued his run to the airport the second he woke in the hospital if it weren't for the tubes connecting him to various machinery. Now nearly a year later everything seemed to be on track for their reunion, Ash Lynx was long dead leaving Aslan Callenreese to rise from the shadows.

His ‘retirement’ being official meant having to say goodbye to the people who had became a makeshift family over the years, the only thing that eased the nerves he felt was faith that Alex would be there to take care of them in his wake.

It was no shock that the hardest person to leave in New York was Max, the older man truly had became a father figure to him over the past few years, saying goodbye to Max wouldn’t be forever. Without a doubt, he would track him down and come visit from time-to-time, but it still felt like the end to an era to Ash, he had been living with Max and his family since he was discharged from the hospital, it was the first time he felt as though he had a _home._ Ash had grown so close to the family it truly felt as if Michael was his little brother, he hated how he was leaving him but knew that he was leaving him with parents who were more than loving and fiercely supportive. He never wanted the connection he has with his family to disappear, even if regularly keeping in touch was out of the question. When Max interrupted Ash’s thoughts to propose a solution he was relieved.

“Kiddo, you look nervous.” Max started it was less of a question and more of a statement, Ash knew he probably looked like a wreck, they were leaving for the airport in 15 minutes, and he was suddenly getting cold feet, his mind was swarming with what-ifs.

“Hey now, it's okay to be scared, especially because of how much you're gonna miss me, right Ash?” Max laughed it off not wanting a catastrophic cry to happen mere minutes before Ash had to leave to go to the airport. “But in all honesty kid I’m gonna miss you, and so is Michael, you know he thinks of you as his _hero_ right? We aren't gonna let you disappear from our lives, so don't even worry about it! We will see each other again, probably sooner than you would like too!” Max slapped a hand on Ash’s shoulder, before looking away and continuing with a slight waver in his voice.

“Ash, I really am going to miss you, but I'm so incredibly happy that he is waiting for you with his arms wide open. So please, let yourself be healed, Ash you can grow and learn, please allow yourself to be happy, its all I ask” With that Ash had to put on a brave face to escape this conversation without crying once again.

“I’ll be with Eiji, of course I’ll be happy.” he knew this wasn't exactly a lie, but it also didn't answer Max’s question.

“Don't be a dumbass, I know you know what I meant _Mr. I’m Smarter Than the Entire Human Race”_ Both of them chuckled for a moment before Ash was reminded of the time and how he needed to leave if he wanted to get to the airport with enough time to spare so that he could enjoy a coffee before he boarded.

As he sat waiting to board the plane he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, he knew it would be Eiji, no doubt wishing him luck on his flight. The number flashed on the screen confirming his thought, it was Eiji though the words that were said had cut a lot deeper than a simple _‘good luck on your flight, see you soon!’_ it was something that came straight from Eiji’s heart and it filled Ash with an intense want to be there next to him.

_“Thank you for finally coming home, I have missed you and can't wait to see you again, Aslan.”_ Ash was amazed how such a small action had managed to frazzle him so thoroughly, it had been so long since anyone had called him Aslan, but hearing Eiji said it made warmth rise in his chest. He would have been content to listen to the static through the phone but before he knew it his number was being called to board, he ended the call with a promise.

“I’ll see you soon.”

Over the past year, Ash had read plenty of books, many of which revolved around gathering as many tips as possible to handle his anxieties in an efficient way. Even with all of the knowledge he's accumulated, the overbearing sense of fear crept up his spine and made his heart race even as he settled into his seat the fear did not subside. Five hours later Ash was able to get his heart rate down and slow his thoughts enough to allow for him to try and take a short nap.

 It was always a gamble with nightmares, it was impossible to judge when they were going to strike but there were times Ash wished they would just leave him alone. In his sleep he felt hands all over, pushing and prodding not asking for permission, only taking what was wanted, he saw Shorter’s body fall and he felt the blood on his hands it was thick and warm, he just wanted it to end he couldn't take the torture any longer. Seemingly his body agreed with him because at that moment he shot up clutching his chest and making an immediate dash toward the plane’s small bathroom.

 His knuckles were white on the sink and he examined his every feature, Ash found relief in his reflection, it was familiar and a constant, even if he had slightly changed over the years. Ash had lost weight since his brush with death, as well as letting his hair grow out just enough so that it limply hung over his ears and swooped down his neck. It was almost ironic, somehow in this moment he truly looked like a child who was about to venture on his own for the first time. Quickly Ash remembered that he wouldn't be alone for long, in just over 9 hours Eiji would be greeting him at the airport and suddenly they would be able to breathe each other's air once again.

It didn't escape Ash that the last time they saw each other it was as if fate was tearing them apart so savagely that it would leave a scar, in fact, it did in the form of a bullet and stab wound. Hurt that deep wouldn't just vanish because they were finally allowed to be together again, it would take time and a lot of talking to move past what had happened. But he was ready to move on and allow himself to heal and be healed by Eiji, Ash had so much he wanted to prove to him and this was his chance. With a new found determination he returned to his seat prepared to endure until he was on solid ground once again.

Anticipation grew in his chest as the plane skidded down the runway and finally came to a stop, the longer he stood in the seemingly endless line of people waiting to step off the plane and go into the terminal the more he began to think, it would only be a matter of minutes before he would see Eiji again.

Everything felt surreal as Ash entered the airport, fluorescent lights bombarded him and fresh air encapsulated him, he could finally breathe. Ash’s brain still felt foggy as he made his way toward baggage claim where he knew Eiji would be waiting for him, he managed to keep his composure but the moment his eyes met familiar brown ones it was as if electricity was pulsing through his body, causing all of the breath to be taken away.

Eiji was quick to notice him, his smile illuminating the already painfully bright room, Ash wished nothing more than to smile back but when looking at him all he could see was how tightly Eiji’s eyes were closed the last time he saw him. Ash was sure if he stared long enough he could visualize the tear trails on his face and remember the pained cries that mixed with the nauseating scent of antiseptic.

 Luckily for Ash, Eiji was quick on his feet because the second that he realized something was wrong he began to sprint to his side, reaching out to steady him.

“Ash! Ash! Come on let's get to the side.” Eiji’s voice sounded almost as confident as it used to be, but there was an edge of fear that didn't slip by Ash. Letting himself be guided to the corner of the room feeling the heat radiate between their linked palms, without that contact, Ash was fairly certain that he wouldn't be able to maintain any semblance of calm.

They stood in each others presence for a few moments, he felt Eiji’s eyes scanning his face and body, as if to etch his every feature into memory, Ash wanted nothing more than to look into his eyes but he currently couldn't break his eye contact with the floor no matter how hard he tried. The fear of what he would see sent chills down his spine, would Eiji look relieved, or if dared to look now, would he be reminded of the pain that he had once seen cross his face.

“Ash..” Eiji started softly and crouched slightly to force eye contact “ .. Aslan you're here. Welcome to Japan.” Ash felt the wetness on his cheeks before he noticed that he was crying. Eiji look relieved and it was true he was finally home.

He tried to speak but words failed him all he could do was pull Eiji into a hug and feel his weight against his chest once again, Ash didn't know what he had done to deserve to have this again. It didn't matter what he traded to have this moment, he was just happy to have this be the beginning of his new life. In this new life, he had support, and Eiji would continue to support his promise to becoming happy and healthy, and they both would continue to build a safe haven just for the two of them.

“Are you tired at all? We can go home and nap if you are.” Eiji sounded nervous so Ash pulled back to see a slight blush on his face “ I thought it would be a good idea for us to get over Jet Lag together, instead of just you so for the past two weeks, I’ve been sleeping as though I was still in New York. I’m very tired Ash, I know you must be as well.”

This was quite possibly one of the most selfless things that Ash has ever heard of. Of course, he knew that the time zone change would initially be rough to get used to, but he had prepared to force himself to pretend like nothing was wrong for Eiji’s sake. But he had predicted Ash’s own move and made it so that both of them would go through the uncomfortable stage together. Ash knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep anytime soon, he had too much to think about, he also knew that for Eiji to ask he truly needed sleep and he definitely wouldn't deprive him of that.

“A nap would be nice, that flight is no joke.” Ash’s voice was weak and the chuckle he added at the end was genuine. Much to his dislike Eiji took a step back to grab one of Ash’s bags from the rotating carousel before heading out to where Eiji had parked. Although the air between them was filled with light chats, Ash was able to feel the slight tension beneath their words, the raw emotion that was almost palpable as they drove to Eiji’s new apartment.

The ride was uneventful, the pair continuing the small talk and ignoring the intense flow of emotion that coursed through both of them. Everything was okay on the surface until they began to carry Ash’s few bags up the stairs to their apartment, he noticed that Eiji was wiping at his eyes and occasionally sniffling, no matter how much it killed him to see Eiji cry he knew that if he said anything now it would only escalate the situation, and he too would begin to cry uncontrollably in the hallway. He didn't want his first impressions by his neighbors to be him red-faced with tears pouring down his face, so Ash swallowed his words and followed Eiji into the correct apartment.

It took only a matter of seconds before Eiji was launching himself at Ash’s chest and sobbing such honest and unfiltered cries that it physically sent a pain through his heart. He reacted quickly encircling Eiji in his arms and resting his head on top of Eiji’s letting his own tears fall. It had been a long time since they had the luxury to comfort each other, even if they did have sporadic phone calls, the contact was still very limited mainly due to Ash’s paranoia of Eiji being dragged back into that world. Ash knew how much those short phone calls hurt him, it wasn't as if he didn't feel the pain of having to say goodbye after only talking for one or two minutes every couple of weeks but it was obvious how it affected Eiji. Ash could sometimes hear his voice begin cracking only 30 seconds into the call or how if the call didn't end fast enough he could begin to hear small sniffles or muffled sobs coming from the other line, the amount of times that Ash ended a call only to hate himself was too much to count. He knew how much grief he had caused Eiji and he truly despised himself for it, there was no way to erase the past year but he hoped that he could eventually prove that he wouldn't leave again, he wanted his actions to speak louder than his words. This time Ash meant to fulfill his promise of _forever._

Ash just stood holding Eiji and stroking his hair, repeating that it was okay and that he wouldn't leave again, and Eiji just continued to cry until abruptly he snapped his head up and turned quickly on his heels dragging Ash into the apartment living room.

The first thing that caught his eye was a beautiful photo of the New York skyline taken from the Staten Island ferry that he had taken Eiji on a few times. There were birds in the sky and the sun illuminated every building with an all-encompassing orange glow that took his breath away. Ash knew that this was one of Eiji’s photos, one of the many that he had seen him take in New York, and now covered the entire apartment. The next image he saw made him want to close his eyes and turn his back: It was a portrait of him and Shorter. Ash could remember the moment that was taken so vividly that he almost could feel Shorter’s weight against his side. It was the first time that he had ever actively let someone take a picture of his face, even if he had half of it hidden by his hand, only peaking between his fingers, he remembered Shorter injecting himself into the picture by running up next to Ash and throwing up an enthusiastic peace-sign with a goofy smile aimed at Eiji behind the camera.

The guilt of Shorters death has never truly lessened in Ash’s mind, he only pushed the thoughts away every time they came up. Seeing his old friend look positively happy and comfortable around him when in a matter of weeks he would be dead by his own hand was overwhelming, to say the least. Ash took a moment to close his eyes and breathe before looking onto the other photos, feeling emboldened by Eiji’s hand in his.

These portraits were smaller but there was one for every person Eiji had met in America, there were different portraits of himself, Sing, Max and even Skipper. Ash was speechless of the amount of how much of him was on the wall, he was laughing or smiling in some, while in others he looked angry. One of the most striking was a photo of him looking over the city from their old apartment, he was wearing only a towel and you could see the water droplets forming on the tips of his hair and falling down his back. Ash knew that the picture was being taken, but he truly felt at peace with Eiji taking his photo, he knew that there would never be a time when anything that he had photographed would be used maliciously against him, Eiji meant no harm to him and he was content with trusting him.

Other photos that lined the wall made Ash chuckle, like one of Sing stuffing a giant dumpling into his mouth with Nadia looming over his shoulder, he wondered when exactly he took this, and what happened after it was taken. He could have spent all day admiring each image but he felt Eiji shifting from foot to foot behind him, no doubt waiting to talk, so he turned and faced him with the best smile he could offer.

“I can't even tell you how long I spent looking at these and the others that I have in the other album over there when I came back from America.” Ash set his gaze to a small coffee table in the corner of the room, it had a rather large book sitting on top of it that was bound by thick red string, Ash turned his attention back to Eiji urging him to continue “I would sit on the couch and just look at all of these memories, When I heard that you were in the hospital I spent days and days looking at your photos and praying to the gods to bring you home.” Eiji let out a hollow chuckle that lacked any true emotion.

“I spent _so long_ praying, but there was no answer. But then I got the smart idea to ask Shorter to keep your dumbass here with me” Ash swallowed around the growing lump in his throat as he continued on “ He must have heard me because believe it or not, a few hours later I got the call from Max that you were okay. That you had woken up.” Ash didn't know how to respond, so he tried to move the conversation, he knew that there would be a better time to talk than this, a time when both of them were well rested and they were both more prepared to talk thoroughly.

“Let’s go to bed, yeah?” It would take countless hours of talking to truly assuage the pain that had been so deeply rooted into them, but right now all he wanted was to hold Eiji and allow himself the comfort of touch. He still was learning how to accept Eiji’s limitless love, but in this moment he knew that they both needed to adjust to being able to feel each other's presence once again.

Eiji nodded and lead the way to the master bedroom, Ash was taken aback to see two full-sized beds, it was exactly the same layout as their last apartment. For the millionth time that day Ash didn't know how to react, was this a hint that Eiji didn't want to be close to him? Had Eiji had these beds all along and allowed other people to stay where he would have slept? Seeing Ash’s apprehension, he spoke up.

“There is two because I wanted you to be comfortable. If you want to share, I would love to stay next to you.” It would always amaze Ash just how much of an open book he was to Eiji, no matter how well he thought he was hiding his feelings, Eiji would always be right there to disarm him and force him to open up even more. There was no point in lying to him when it would easily be seen through.

“Please, I need you to stay close” his voice came out so quietly that he wasn't sure if he had understood him, but it was quickly obvious that he was heard as Eiji pulled back the covers on the bed to the right and motioned for Ash to climb in, which he did. He was quickly followed by Eiji who instantly wrapped his arms around Ash’s torso, a silent reply that seemed to scream ‘Im not letting you go’.

They remained like that; Eiji’s arms enveloping Ash as the sun seeped into the room and the sounds of life began to pour in from outside. They focused on relearning the nuances of each other once again, both just feeling the warmth of their bodies meld into one and allow some comfort, it had been hours of silence and reassuring touches with both of them crying periodically when Eiji finally drifted to sleep. Ash felt his breathing even out and the grip he had loosen on his side, he shifted back into him, missing Eiji’s tight grip but quickly stopped because he didn't want to accidentally wake him up.

Ash needed to take a risk so flip himself over, so he did so as quietly as possible, making sure to stop every time Eiji made a small noise or movement. Eventually, he had turned to face him and began to stroke his hair and occasionally press his lips to his forehead. It was hard for Ash to believe that he was allowed to love someone as kind and as thoughtful as Eiji. Ash knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep because if he did, all of the good feelings he has would fade and the demons of his dreams would take over, even if he wasn't in America anymore, the nightmares he had seen throughout his life would continue to haunt him. Now the only difference was that there would be no gun under his pillow to reassure him, only the warm presence of Eiji.

Ash needed to breathe. He was in Eiji and his new shared apartment, holding and being held by someone who believed and trusted him with his entire being. This was the fresh start that he needed to have a shot at normality. He was ready to face the uncertainty and hardships that were in front of him, all because he was finally given a chance to live not just survive. Laying in the silence began to take a toll on Ash, making him feel the need to talk so softly he murmured into his hair.

“Eiji, I know the road ahead of us will be bumpy and this is going to be rough, but I won't run away this time. I love you, I love you and I won't leave I promise.” Ash squeezed him ever so slightly before relaxing again only to be startled when he was given a response.

“I love you too, now settle down and go to bed. When we wake up I can make breakfast.” Eiji sighed, no doubt picturing the breakfast that he would prepare in a few hours time then he finished his sentence with a simple “Goodnight Aslan.”

As much as he was taken aback by Eiji faking sleep, he was more impressed with the fact that his words seemingly had a magical effect on him and that he felt suddenly tired. Maybe if he focused on relaxing he could get a few hours of sleep, just enough to gather enough energy to talk to Eiji about the past year. Ash came to the decision that just this once, it was okay to sleep while Eiji did because he would ensure that his arms would remain wrapped around him so even if he happens to wake up first Eiji would know that he was there, even if asleep. So that's what he did, he shuffled farther down into the bed and tightened his grip on him, gently nuzzling into his hair allowing sleep to overtake him.

Ash prayed that everything would turn out okay, he truly couldn't predict anything about the future besides the fact that he knew he would continue to stay by Eiji’s side until they both understood that he wasn't leaving. Ash knew in that moment as he slipped into sleep, that no matter what nothing could drag him away from his new life, and that he would keep trying his hardest to be good for Eiji, and no matter how hard things would get, he wouldn't run away, he would stay.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It had been 7 years since the first night Ash had spent in Japan, since then he had struggled to grasp the flow of ‘ordinary’ life but discomfort gradually slowed as he became adjusted. There were times toward the beginning where he felt as if he was drowning at sea feeling the saltwater burn his lungs from the inside out, in those moments it was impossible to feel Eiji’s presence by his side no matter how long it took him to resurface he would be greeted by Eiji’s face and comforting touches. Ash still had a difficult time asking for help, within the years he learned to actively seek out Eiji on the bad days and ask for what he needed. On the days he felt as though he was floundering Eiji was there to be the rock he needed. Even with how Eiji was currently sleeping soundly on Ash’s chest he proved to be the tie to reality he needed.

As he layed in their shared bed Ash let his thoughts wander back to the previous night, remembering the light kisses that were pressed over his face that contradicted what would proceed. Even in this moment he marvelled over how comfortable he felt laying naked with Eiji curled into his side, from his viewpoint he could see the subtle love marks appearing on both of their skin, for the first time in his life he could remember where every mark came from and what the intent of its creation was.

_Eiji’s kisses were sloppy but in the moment Ash lavished the feeling of his neck being covered in opened mouthed kisses and reeled when he felt hickeys being made on his chest, with every moment he felt as though he was truly being loved._

 He had allowed himself to be so vulnerable and all he could feel in this moment was a strong sense of pride, for once things had ended the way he wanted them too. Ash had tried to initiate the intimacy on various occasions, only to have them end in catastrophe nearly every time, with him either locking himself in their bathroom or Eiji pointing out his discomfort and stopping their attempt in its tracks. He wished that he was able to take his failures in stride but the truth was that every time he failed it made the next attempt even harder. None of that mattered now he had allowed himself to enjoy himself with the comfort of Eiji, and in this moment of reprieve, he could truly say that he was happy and _very much so in love._

 This was one of those moments that Eiji would normally preach as a perfect snapshot, but he was currently fast asleep and slightly drooling on Ash’s chest. Watching over him as he slept sent a wave of fondness over him, Eiji truly looked like an angel from his viewpoint, albeit an angel with a serious case of bedhead and drool steadily leaking from his mouth, but an angel nonetheless. Eiji always insisted on taking pictures of everything they did, no matter how mundane, and for the first time he understood his want to preserve the moment, Ash wanted to remember this.

 Pressing a soft kiss to his temple he attempted to unglue himself from Eiji’s side, chuckling slightly at the noise of complaint that slipped through the other's lips. As the chill of the room encompassed Ash, he shivered as he once again he was reminded of last night, a blush crept onto his cheeks as he reached from this discarded sweatpants slipping them on with ease. Taking a final glance at Eiji, who was now sprawled out in the space where he lied, Ash headed out of their room making a Beeline to where Eiji’s camera would be plugged into the wall, charging up for the next day.

Carefully he detached the camera from the cords connecting it before stopping and fiddling with the settings just the way Eiji taught him too. The chill was beginning to get to him so he finalized the settings while walking back to their room.

As he pushed open the door again he was greeted with a now half awake Eiji partially sitting up in bed, his hair was miraculously worse than before as it stuck up in every direction and was matted thoroughly on the sides. Not that Ash minded, in fact, he thought that Eiji looked beautifully real like this, the soft light pouring in from the window illuminating his skin, highlighting the marks that were left on him the night before, and allowing the shadows to contour his body perfectly, Ash needed to capture this.

Bringing the viewfinder up to his eye Ash fiddled with the focus and zoom trying to get the perfect shot, he saw the slight worry that was hazy in his eyes but that worry was to be expected from Eiji, he was always a worrier in the best kind of way and it was unusual to have Ash behind the camera. Once he was satisfied by the image he lowered the camera to his side, flashing Eiji a toothy smile.

“You're the one who always goes on and on about capturing the moment.” he wanted his voice to sound confident but in the silence, it was almost imperceptibly quiet.

Eiji reached his hand out becoming Ash to join him in bed once again, he agreed closing the distance between them, grabbing onto Eiji’s hand and allowing the warmth to fill his heart. Almost without his knowledge he was reaching out to place his hand on Eiji’s cheek, his breath was almost taken away as he watched him nuzzle into his palm and close his eyes. The trust between them was palpable, it astounded Ash how much was given to him every day with Eiji, as Ash leaned in he watched as red begin to rise on Eiji's skin and how his lips parted ever so slightly. He was overwhelmed with the love he felt, his throat was tight and tears pricked in his eyes, he connected their lips in a chaste kiss. Butterflies erupted in his stomach and as he pulled back his smile was wide and tears were making their way down his cheek, instantly he was wrapped in Eiji’s arms with his face tightly pushed into his neck.

“What-” Eiji mumbled as his fingers found their way to the back of his head, beginning to rub small circles. Ash pulled away from Eiji’s neck to beam at him, tears still slipping down his cheeks.

“I’m just _so_ happy.” then a short chuckle that was immediately followed by a sniffle “ Can we take a picture, I want to remember this.” The fondness that was directed at Ash by his gaze didn't go unnoticed, he could see the way that Eiji looked at him as if he was the most beautiful thing in the world, all that Ash could hope was that he reflected the same onto him.

“Of course! Can you hand me the camera Aslan?” Eiji’s voice was low and came out with a twinge of excitement, it was almost unheard of for Ash to ask for a picture to be taken, a majority of the time it was Eiji asking permission to capture the moment.

It took Ash a moment to register what was asked of him, every time that Eiji called him Aslan it truly sent him reeling, as quickly as he dared he gently placed the camera into his waiting hands. As he watched Eiji’s brow furrow slightly while fixing the settings, that he had no doubt messed up. Ash never forgot all of the hardships that they had to overcome, he could remember each hurdle as if it was yesterday, it was hard but all of the pain that he had endured was entirely worth it if he could have moments like these, just complete relaxation with the love of his life by his side.

Once Eiji was satisfied with the layout of the camera once again he turned his attention back to Ash, asking him to move closer, Ash opted for resting his chin lightly on Eiji’s shoulder and having his arms lazily slung around his waist. The countdown from 3 made Ash feel giddy, his smile growing with each number and as the click finalized that moment it was as if he had truly found peace in the fact that he was destined to stay with him. He had renewed his life with Eiji by his side, taking the time to rearrange and rewrite the bad in order to create a truly happy ending, and in this moment he knew that nothing could ever take away his happiness no matter how viciously it tried. Ash had his other half to continue to be happy for, nothing could get in the way of that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! my twitter is @sbananafish in case you wanted to continue to scream at me about Banana Fish!
> 
> Big thanks to both @wickedlupin and @ThirstyQuin98 for reading this over and giving me thoughts, both of you seriously are what give me the confidence to write :,)
> 
>  
> 
> ((I'll also link the ficlet for this again in case you're curious now https://archiveofourown.org/works/18028193 ))


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